Will I make it as a Jedi Knight?

My mind is a whirling muddle at the moment. The voices are shouting even louder than usual – you should be doing this, you shouldn’t be doing that, you’re not good enough. I struggle with even the simplest tasks and my To Do list terrifies me. I try to still the panic by listing everything – even things I normally carry out without thinking like checking bank statements or putting clothes away.

Yesterday morning while lying in bed recovering from breakfast I had a thought. It’s not life that’s stressing me, it’s The Novel. Writing The Novel is bringing the monsters out from under the bed. And as soon as I thought that, I felt calm, and the calmness lasted for at least an hour.

Then I forgot.

Today I plan a long dog-walk, some DailyPages, some Lightning Processes, and a pottery day catching up on jobs, in the hope that all that will calm me down.

Then tomorrow it’s back to The Novel again.

I feel like Luke Skywalker traversing the spooky wood-bog where he finds Darth Vader. But the exit is a long way away and I don’t know if I’ll ever make it as a Jedi Knight.

Deadlines and spurs

The novel is proceeding inch by inch, with some bits speeding by and others taking numerous rewrites. My deadline is the Mslexia adult novel competition in 2015. I hope I make it!

I’m so glad to have a deadline as it’s very hard writing without one, especially in the early stages of a novel when everything is nebulous and ideas aren’t always there when you need them. You can’t force ideas but at the same time if you put your brain on the spot (reminding it of your deadline) sometimes it comes up with the goods. (Excuse cliches and mixed metaphors.) It’s a tricky balance.

The further I get into the novel however, the more nebulous it becomes, and as I’ve said I don’t know how my heroine is going to resolve her problems. Hopefully that means the reader won’t either but it may mean that I get stuck later.

The good response of the YouWriteOn reviewers has made me think that publication might not be totally out of the question. The fact that one day someone might even read – and enjoy – the novel is another spur.

A big family weekend coming up so I have to spend today preparing for it (in both practical and psychological terms). So no novel-writing or blogging till at least next Tuesday. And I shouldn’t be blogging now as I’m not even halfway through my To Do List.

A misty murky walk yesterday (with damp spots on the camera lens)

Neck and neck

I had another migraine on Saturday, and then last night - thinking I was better - I had a glass of wine. I obviously wasn’t as I feel slightly yukky again this morning.

I’m writing the novel in order – among other things – to cure my troubles, including maybe my migraines. My heroine has migraines too. I know what happens to her in the first three-quarters of the book and I know what happens in the end but I don’t know how she gets from one to the other. I don’t know how she resolves her problems, makes that leap into the future. Maybe her leap is mine.

The question is though, will I get to the end of the book before the migraines finish me off? It’s neck and neck at the moment (neck, I've just realised, being the operative word, in that neck pain is part of migraine).

While on the subject of necks, here is my new chair in situ, together with a new screen position and a new desk height. Normally I hate change in my writing-room when I’m in the middle of a project – it upsets my equilibrium. But this time I’m pleased. The new chair is wondrously comfortable - but I must remember not to wrap my legs around its legs, as I did with my old chair, as that upsets the whole posture.

And I should have said that the old kneeling chair was doctored several times by Frog. He’s mended the legs, replaced the foam at least once and re-covered it one and a half times. What it is to have a practical person around, even if the house and garden do look like a reclamation yard.

Chairs

Here is my new chair, waiting to go up to my writing-room. Actually it’s not new. Frog has put it together from two broken chairs he rescued from work. They’ve been sitting outside the shed for two or three years, getting wet and annoying me. ‘I knew they would come in useful,’ says Frog. He was right. Thank you Frog.

Here is my old ‘kneeling’ chair waiting to leave my writing-room. I’ve had it for years and when I was proofreading and copy-editing, bending over papers on my desk, it was ideal as it tilted me forward. It is perhaps not so good when working with a keyboard and screen and may be the cause of my current neck and shoulder pain.

We shall see.

Blow it

The writer Philip Pullman allows himself to do some carpentry after he’s written 2000 words. He has a huge writing room, as far as I remember from the picture I saw, with a carpentry workshop up one end.

I’m allowing myself to do some sewing today after three intensive writing days. I tried writing for a fourth day last week and my brain refused to function. I couldn’t even read a magazine.

I have a small, cluttered (but much loved) writing room with a sewing workshop up one end

 

Sometimes filthy weather is a blessing. I can sit inside with a clear conscience and catch up on all the mending, altering and customising I want to do. I haven’t done any sewing for weeks.

The weather must be bad. This morning in a torrential shower which was practically beating her to the ground, the dog turned tail and fled home. ‘Blow it,’ I thought. ‘Why should I force her? Why should I get soaked if the dog’s not enjoying herself?’ We went out again later in a shower only slightly less heavy than the one earlier.